I want to preface this by saying that there was a comment that you made to Pancho the other day that cut me wide open. He didn’t hear you say it, but I cannot unhear it because no one has ever stood up to him on my behalf. It was your suggestion that perhaps what I need is support. It shook me. Pulled me back into myself. Because I don’t think that you were actually saying it to him. I believe you were saying it to me.

The Reckoning

What I wanted to tell you—

after one of the first nights that you were away,

I slid my sleep mask over my eyes and curled up in my bed while

thoughts of you reeled through my mind

and tears began to pool in my mask.

It was a silent cry,

the kind that doesn’t wake the person next to you—

When I lied in bed that night—

I came to the realization,

the knowing,

who you are to me.

I have utmost respect for all that you’ve dedicated your life to—

I told you from the start that I would never jeopardize that,

and I stand by that.

The tears, though,

The reckoning—

that in the past four months,

no one has cared for me the way that you have.

I understand that it’s your job,

your dedication to your mission—

Your ethos—

Regardless, I haven’t felt

seen

and cared for

and precious

in over a decade

and that precious feeling is

pure gold.

I understand the reality of all of this

and I will continue to turn it into art—

and I know I have to carry myself as a grown woman

and know what this is—

what you’re teaching me.

What I need.

What I desire.

What I deserve.

And it’s not always going to be easy,

but I am strong.

I’ve given so much of myself for years

that in those stolen moments,

I selfishly devoured them because I had to—

so I could feel

seen

and cared for

and precious.

To feed a part of my soul that has been starving for so long.

I understand what it is—

that I have to remain steadfast on my journey for autonomy,

but I want you to know how deeply appreciative

I am.

With so much gratitude.